Managing Relationships in the Kingdom

Brothers and Sisters, the most important thing we can do at Open Door is to manage our relationships. Is this shocking to you?!? Some might say that obeying the doctrine on baptism, or confession or repentance is more important, but -- since, as members of Open Door we are already Christians -- I would submit that "love your neighbor as yourself" (Lev. 19:18; Matt. 22:39) is a command (that we must obey) that points right to the need to effectively manage our relationships, including how to form relationships, how to maintain relationships and how to fix broken relationships. I think this command is one of the most important we can heed in the body.

For now, we focus on the maintenance of an existing relationship, and for our text we turn directly to Matthew 18:15 -- "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." This one verse is like a handbook for keeping our relationships healthy and vital. It is also difficult.

By and large we are chickens in managing our relationships. Usually, we talk about people that we have an issue with (or vice versa), rather than obey Christ's teaching on dealing with sour relationships. Notice the key word in this text: "Go."

The onus of responsibility in mending a relationship is on the person who is hurt or has been offended. Why? My own experience has been that more often than not, the "offender" usually doesn't even realize that they've hurt or offended me. Now, that brings up an important point before we "go." Here it is: don't be petty. Many of us walk around with a chip on our shoulder, just waiting to be offended or hurt. Get rid of the chip. Make it a goal to become "unoffendable." Since we're not perfect, people are going to say and do things that will hurt us, even when they don't mean it. So, be gracious.

• Go Promptly. Time does not heal all wounds. Go as quickly as possible.
• Go Personally. Don't use email; don't use the phone. Go to them directly.
  
• Go Privately. Until you sit face-to-face with the person, don't talk about them or about the problem.

This is mostly common sense, but our fear of going to people with our hurts overrides our common sense in many cases. However, Christ's way is the best way, and in hindsight, our fears are usually unwarranted.

God will not bless a bickering church. If we can't maintain our relationships with each other, how do we expect to maintain our relationship with God? (Matt. 6:14)

I have been witness to Christians working out differences before and I have successfully practiced Matt. 18 myself. It works! Here are some tips for making this meeting with a brother or sister work better:

1. Sit down in a comfortable, private setting if possible.
2. Ask the person if you can share something with them that is difficult for you to share.
3. Ask them if they will be a good listener for a few minutes as you share. In other words, don't create an expectation that you want an immediate response; after all, immediate responses are usually defensive.
4. Let them know that when you are finished sharing, you will be a good listener too.
5. Now its time to share: As gently as possible, share the words or actions that YOU OBSERVED the person do that hurt or offended you. Speak only for yourself.
6. Let them know how you feel. Own your feelings. They are yours, not anyone else's.
7. When you are finished, be quiet for awhile. If the other person doesn't speak, just relax and let them think. Think along with them. Pray also! Silence can be uncomfortable, but it can be very effective. Don't rush the process!

Seven is a good number to stop with, but the sum of the matter is to be as good at listening as you are with sharing. Try to understand. Don't demand an answer or response on the spot. You might have totally surprised your friend with this revelation.

In most cases, you will "win your brother over" with the gentle sharing and careful listening behavior that you exhibit. In some cases, you will find out that your brother did not even mean to hurt or offend you, which means that you never "lost" your brother in the first place. Typically, things get resolved on the spot. Not only that, but this kind of face-to-face reconciliation strengthens relationships in many cases.

As I think back, most of my very strong relationships have had a hiccup or two along the way. Following the Lord's method was meant to maintain and strengthen relationships. Having seen His ways at work over the years has confirmed our Creator's wisdom and love for us. His ways are not always easy, but they are always best. Having witnessed these principles put to work just recently between brothers, I have been encouraged at where we are going at Open Door. I am just as encouraged about how we're going to get there. Week by week we make a commitment to practice Biblical principles with regards to leadership, servantship, and relationship. Come, share this commitment with us. Together we can make a difference.